


Let your heart be light

by secondsofhappiness



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Christmas Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Mental Health Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-26
Updated: 2016-12-26
Packaged: 2018-09-12 09:04:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,840
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9065191
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/secondsofhappiness/pseuds/secondsofhappiness
Summary: Aaron looked up and into Robert's eyes, the recognition in them overwhelming. When he spoke, it was quiet and cracking at the edges. "Today has been the best in ages and I'm still thinking about the next day when it won't be great. I'm still wondering when the next bad thing is going to happen."
--------Even after the best of days, sometimes your brain won't give you a break. Aaron gets ready for bed and tries to quieten his thoughts.
Follow on from "It's a Wonderful Life".





	

Aaron finished patting himself dry, tying the dressing gown chord around his waist and rubbing a hole in the steamed up mirror.

He ran a hand over his red-scrubbed face, eyelids heavy but alert enough to clock the leather bag to his right - Robert's toiletries. He smiled and pulled out the tube of moisturiser, dotting it on his cheeks and rubbing it in firmly. He breathed in deep, steam and the scent of sandlewood making his shoulders ease and skin tingle with a new found feeling - relaxation. Christmas Days were always exhausting even if all you did was eat, drink and watch TV. Today had been no exception. 

It had been the best Christmas Aaron could remember and once his skin was smooth under his fingertips, he breathed out and rested is forehead against the cool glass. 

Really good days were rare.

Life was unrecognisable and it was fucking amazing. It was also terrifying and the tugging inside remained, unhelpfully reminding him that he wasn't good enough for this, life was shit and full of disappointments, he was too damaged and bruised to have the kind of love he'd felt all day. He closed his eyes, pushing the thoughts away and breathing in steam. 

The good was amazing and the best he'd ever felt. His brain wasn't going to ruin it tonight. 

He straightened up slowly and after a moment of staring at himself in the mirror, gathered his things and padded down the darkened hall towards their room.

The movie they'd watched this evening still echoed in his mind. The all too final decision to bring to a close a difficult life was too easy to relate to but he could hear the sound of Liv's TV humming low and the muffled laughs of his mum and Charity drifting up the stairs. It was like a hive of all of the people he loved. Packed in like battery hens, yes, but Aaron didn't have to stretch far to reach someone who mattered to him and life hadn't delivered that kind of gift before. Days filled with so much to be thankful for were difficult to fall asleep on. He shook his head, exasperation a pretty common reaction to his own stupidity. Aaron took a breath and pushed their door, warmth hit him in an instant.

He'd never get used to the sight of Robert in their bed. He'd never allow himself to take it for granted because darker days had passed when he'd accepted much less and never dared to imagine such a reality. Robert Sugden had sent his life spiralling and Aaron was certain his affect on Robert's had been just as catastrophic but nowadays he felt peace and contentment so strongly sometimes that it came coupled with the kind of panic only happiness provides.

"You alright?"

Aaron blinked, frowning with a shake of his head. He was doing it again - the quiet, broody thing that made people worry. 

"I'm fine," he said, eyes fixed on Robert, memorising every inch. 

He eventually turned to hang up his robe with a quick smile, instantly feeling the exposure of his skin from a thin t-shirt and boxers.

"Good," Robert replied with a satisfied grin, stretching his arms out across their pillows and eyes following Aaron around the room as he put away his things. Robert had a gaze you felt physically and apart from those days when Aaron needed long sleeves and the quiet of the bridge over the stream, he loved the feeling of being the person under Robert's attention.

Their day had started under much the same circumstances. Robert had woken up uncharacteristically early, his hands warm and wide running in lines down Aaron's arms until he blinked awake. In a sleepy haze, Aaron remembered a kiss and soft hands in his hair before an absence of touch, a space in their bed that he'd rolled into and the sudden appearance of bacon sandwiches in posh buns with brown sauce and a mug of tea. They'd eaten them in bed, Aaron dropping crumbs and Robert tutting and rolling his eyes before leaning in, using a 'new and ingenious' cleaning method or so he'd said. Aaron wasn't sure cleaning by tongue would catch on but he wasn't going to complain.

There'd been the jumpers and Wishing Well cottage which Rob had called a fever dream and even if it had instilled a quick flash of panic that his fiancé still harboured a different and grander life outside of what Aaron could offer, it was a pretty accurate description. It was colourful chaos and insanity. His mum and Charity had been hammered from early morning so that should have been a pretty good indication of how the rest of the day would go. Still, their retreat back to the pub had made them all sleepy and he'd got to experience the feeling of falling asleep against someone you love on the sofa in front of a film. 

Robert was by far the most affectionate guy he'd ever been with and it took some getting used to.

With Jackson it had been new and tense and tentative. Ed had been sweet but the spark had disappeared pretty quickly and then the want and need of it all had followed. 

With Robert it was like he was being held tight and secure and exposed all at once. He couldn't get his head straight some days waking up to see Robert's hair sticking up from his pillow, his face relaxed and soft in sleep, the memories of all things hot and frantic from the night before enough to melt his brain most mornings.

Robert was tall and slim where Aaron knew he was shorter and built from lugging heavy metal. Robert knew people and clever words, Aaron knew how to get shit done and mostly how to do it without someone wanting to punch his face. Robert was a stick around and argue guy while Aaron bottled up and avoided. Robert liked soft leather and expense, Aaron wanted comfort in cotton and synthetics with no consideration of cost.

They were polar opposites yet every bone in his body wanted the man in his bed in every way you could want someone. They'd stood side by side all day and Aaron, on more than one occasion, had held in his need to tell Robert how much it all meant, how the contentment was overwhelming and made him feel desperate to the pit of his stomach.

"Hey." 

From his seat on the edge of their bed, Aaron felt warm hands at his shoulders, their expanse running down his arms. He felt Robert's lips at his neck and shivered, smiling. God, he loved him.

"I'm fine. Just tired," he said quietly, feeling the truth of his words and leaning back into the touch. Robert let go, sliding his hands away and propping himself back up in bed, Aaron followed him with his eyes. "Today was great though."

He watched Robert's face soften, his eyes crinkle with a smile. "It was." Robert extended an arm and Aaron slid in towards it and under the covers, head resting close to Robert's shoulder. Even still, instigating sometimes felt like an alien concept but Robert was instinctual and confident, his body sliding down to lie face to face, one hand sliding up to rest on their pillow against Aaron's. "You're quiet tonight."

Aaron closed his eyes and shuffled into the radiating warmth from Robert's body, knowing that all he wanted tonight was to be wrapped up together. When thoughts ran wild and his brain spoke louder, he needed someone to know, he needed someone to understand and act first.

After a moment, the bed shifted as Robert sat up. The arm resting just above Aaron's head nudged him, pushed him gradually onto Robert's chest and held him close. As Robert tugged the blankets up and over them both, Aaron closed his eyes and pressed his nose into skin. He kept breathing, narrowed his focus to the village, the pub, the room, the bed and to Robert whose fingers were gently running lines against his forearm.

"Thanks," was all he said - always too little but all he could manage.

"You want the lights out?" Robert asked, lips against Aaron's hair. Aaron shifted to look up, sighing at the sight of Robert under good lighting, his hair golden, jawline shadowed to irritating perfection- "What?" he asked, smirking and nudging Aaron's shoulder.

Aaron rolled his eyes and pillowed his head back against Robert's chest. "Nothing," he said. No way was he going to make a habit of inflating Robert Sugden's ego even if he did find him entirely irresistible.

After a brief silence, Aaron felt lips press against his forehead and fingers teasing his hair. He screwed his eyes tight with a smile and let himself relax; the tension physically draining from him. Robert's free hand reached to play idly with Aaron's fingers and he let it happen. He watched as Robert prised open the fist he didn't know he was making.

"Last Christmas was hard," was all he said but Robert's fingers didn't so much as pause.

"I know."

"This one wasn't and that's new for me."

There. He'd said it. 

He felt Robert's chest raise against a deep breath and the arm around him tighten. "New for me too," Robert said softly and Aaron pressed closer. "When things are this good you just wonder when the other shoe's going to drop and things will go back to being bad again."

Aaron looked up and into Robert's eyes, the recognition in them overwhelming. When he spoke, it was quiet and cracking at the edges. "Today has been the best in ages and I'm still thinking about the next day when it won't be great. I'm still wondering when the next bad thing is going to happen."

Aaron kept his eyes on Robert's, following them until his face swam close and they were kissing, Aaron climbing up to rest nose to nose. Aaron pressed close and shivered as Robert's hand found his cheek, deepening the kiss with lips dragging firm, smooth and a little desperate. Aaron ran his hands up and into Robert's hair, holding tight and curled into the warmth, forehead creased in concentration against the feeling of Robert's lips travelling to his jaw then down to press hot and wet at his throat.

Robert stilled for a second, their breaths laboured into each other's skin. When Robert spoke, his lips moved gently against Aaron's neck. 

"Messy but forever, yeah?" 

Suddenly choked with the weight of the words, Aaron breathed deep and nodded. He kept his eyes shut and as he shifted down against Robert, limbs slotted together, tangled comfortable and close, he remembered his mum's words about happiness and the echo of similar advice from the man he'd asked to be his. Aaron reached out to knot his fingers with Robert's, drawing their clasped hands towards him, holding them close.

With a breath, he pressed a kiss to Robert's shoulder. "Definitely."

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted to write a little piece about how someone with mental health issues can have the loveliest of days but still struggle when it all quietens down and I have a feeling this would happen to Aaron.
> 
> I wanted to write a bit about how he tries to control it and uses support from Robert who isn't so different, really :)
> 
> I really hope you enjoyed!


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